please god let this be my last confessional thread

i understand completely, and truth be told, even i have trouble figuring out what the fuck happened with that vote. i'm literally going to go through my confessional as we talk through this, and i apologize in advance about the extremely long winded pm youre about to get, because i want to be as open and transparent with you as i can. and then if you take this and go run and spoil it to other people bc you dont fully trust me, then that's your choice and you have the quotes to do what you want with.

and btw kass also knew about patty's idol as well it wasn't just me.

so basically, going into that vote, i was sort of souring on horse but didnt know how to go about bringing it up to epona, who was also close with horse. horse was pushing for some six person alliance of him, urbosa, epona, revali, kohga, and myself. which i didnt like bc he was just telling me "hey this is what's happening" when i hadnt even met revali yet? so he rubbed me the wrong way but i didnt think i could do anything about it bc at the time, it seemed like horse was just... in charge of things?

so then when patty put this group together that was like, kohga/urbosa/patty/me/you/kass to vote together, i was like... fine with it. and you i understood it was just for one round or whatever. but patty and a few others were talking like it was a real actual final 6 deal. and then patty said the weird cryptic line to me when i asked him what happens after that of like, "well the game is going to get difficult" and that really set off my warning sirens.

from my confessional, i didnt like that group bc i felt like patty was closer with you oand kass -- and i dont think i was wrong there, you two seemed really close, and kass was literally willing to get idoled out of the game to leak votes to patty even if it meant him going instead. so it wasn't that i didnt trust YOU GUYS, it was that i didnt trust where i stood within the group bc like, you would always tell me "patty said this, patty thinks that" or id hear from patty where you were at and it just felt like i was going long stretches of time without any new conversations or anyone in my inbox, and i was trying to break through and find some trust there, but it was hard to do it when i felt like i was always the last person to be considered or asked. this is probably less fact than just my perception, but i didnt really feel like i could address it with you specifically because -- again -- i viewed you and patty as best friends forever.

at that point, yes, the idea of patty going became more and more appealing. but i was in a weird spot of not wanting to make that move because i didnt want to piss off you and kass. oaki was off trying to get hunnie and revali to turn on each other, so when that happened i was just like, cool okay, i guess itll be one of those two, and went to bed.

i woke up the next day and it seemed like things had changed. now, revali/hunnie were on the same page, and the word i heard from kohga was that oaki knew who threw votes and was just creating chaos to cover for whoever really threw the votes on hunnie the previous round? and like, obviously, my first thought that came to mind was either it was patty/kass or patty/you because you two were the only duo i knew about. the other duos being talked about were kass/revali (who were NOT on the same page and disliked each other), epona/horse (but i knew epona was fed up with horse at that point based on our conversations so why would she throw a vote with him), or me/kohga (which i obviously know i did NOT vote for hunnie).

i believe epona was the first person that i specifically heard patty's name from during that round. that train just left the station, and kass was told about it, which meant patty was going to find out about it. i was working to get the vote somewhere else (that's 100% true and i dont want to say who it was bc...we're still working on the trust thing, you and i) but nobody was biting on it, and i felt like i was truly in a position where a surge of momentum was heading towards patricia -- who i kind of wanted out anyway so that i could trust you more and be kept in the loop on plans/conversations more. kass wanted to save patricia so he either put your name or oven's name out as alternates and nothing was solidified by the time i had to step away, so i threw my vote down on patty not really knowing where the rest of the votes were going.

i checked back in and saw that you went home. i was hopeful that it wouldn't be you -- my last post before tc in my confessional was that it'd be a split vote between oven and patty, with you getting the third amount of votes. i suppose i could've voted for oven but i didnt want to be someone who just threw a random vote and caused chaos. because whoever IS throwing these random votes did the two hunnie votes which started the chaos of that tc and ended up with you going home. and even now, coming out of my last tribe, someone threw a hinky vote on oven to make it a 3-2 split (well, 2-2 technically) when we were all supposed to be in agreement on it just being patty, and that's causing even more drama.

TLDR: i didnt start the push in patty's direction, though i rode that wave when it started, but i certainly didnt put your name out there as the split target, and the main reason i did that is because i felt like with patty in the game i was always playing third wheel to you/patty or patty/kass and wanted to be able to improve my relationship with you two.